A Time of Healing

My uncle Paul passed away peacefully on July 13 and 9:45 pm. I was at his house, not just that night, but for the week prior also. My mom called me at work on the Tuesday before, saying that Paul had taken a turn for the worse, and they were not sure how much longer he was going to be with us. I immediately left work, knowing I had to be with my family. I had a feeling things were not going to turn out as well as the last two times the cancer had arrived. Negative thinking, I know, but I just had the feeling. Most of the family went to his house that Tuesday night, and the priest came to do Anointing of the Sick. My aunt from Arizona and I decided we were not going to leave his wife, Patti, to care for him night and day all by herself. We stayed up the WHOLE night that first night because Paul would continuelly try to get out of bed, but his legs were not strong enough to hold him, and his walking had declined. It seemed that every two hours he was trying to get up again. Wednesday came, and I slept for about three hours. That night, I stayed again. I couldn't handle leaving all of the care on his wife, when we have such a big family, I felt I needed to do something, and I knew I could stay and care for Paul.

I also stayed Thursday, which by this night I was more than tired, but I put that behind and concentrated on making my uncle as comfortable as possible. I watched with my own eyes as he declined in health throughout that week. Friday I had to go home because I had to work the weekend. Saturday, it just so happened that I had forgotten my phone charger at their house, so I went down there after work that evening and Paul was up in his recliner watching the Twins game. I talked to him briefly, he was not very responsive the whole week, but he would answer questions when we asked and let us know when he was in pain. Sunday, I decided I would go home after work and get a good night's sleep and spend the day at his house since I had the day off. Well, Sunday evening at work, I just had this feeling that I needed to go down there. I headed down there and when I got there my aunt told me he had been sleeping most of the day, had not eaten anything, and was not repsonding as well as he had been. Before I went to leave, I went to his bedroom door to see him, and his eyes were wide open and he was holding his hands out to give me a hug. I practically ran over to his bed and gave him a hug and told him I loved him, which he said he loved me too. We sat and watched the TV for a few minutes as he gently rubbed my back. I heard him mumble something but couldn't make out what he said. When I turned to him, he emphasized his words "Thank you". He then fell back to sleep.

I was filled with hope after that very important moment spent with my unlce Paul. Monday I went out to eat with a friend, Kerrie, and as soon as we were done I headed back to his house because I just thought maybe he would be alert again like he was the night prior. As luck would have it, he was not. He had declined so much in just the short time from the night before.

Working in a nursing home, I have seen many people at the end of their lives. When I walked into Paul's bedroom on the 13th, I knew he would be leaving us to be our guardian angel very soon. I spent the WHOLE day there. I was supposed to work on Tuesday, but put that in the back of my mind as I spent time with the family that was there. We had the priest come and do Last Rites around 9:00 that night. We then all took our turn saying goodbye and telling my Uncle he had fought the good fight and if he was ready to go, he should go. Forty five minutes later, he was watching over us from above. I MISS HIM VERY VERY MUCH!!!!

Watching him suffer just that short week, was very very hard for me. I stayed with him and his family only because I FELT I needed to help in some way, and I knew that was one way I could help. It is something I will never ever ever regret doing, and would do it in a heartbeat for any one of my family members. Things are starting to go back to some type of normal, although I know they will never be the same normal they were before Paul's death. I do know this: He is not suffering any longer, there is NO cancer in Heaven, he will have the BEST seat at any Minnesota Vikings and Twins game from here on out, and the fish are ALWAYS big in Heaven.

The support our entire family has received throughout Paul's illness and passing is HUGE!!! Hearing stories from his students and other friends that we had never heard are comforting for our family. We heard how Paul touched others' lives that we had never known before. I also know this, he touched more lives in his short 50 years, than most people will touch in a 100 years. I will hold close all the memories I have of my Uncle Paul. It is what will get us all through our grief. Thank you Thank you Thank you to anyone and everyone who kept us in their prayers and thoughts, sent their sympathies, and cards. I love you forever and always Uncle Paul, and I thank YOU for allowing me to spend the last few days of your life with you!!!!

A Little Bit of Sun Through The Clouds...

Paul got out of the hospital last night. My cousin said he stayed with him the whole night. He is havin a hard time walking, and he MUST stay on top of his pain medications!!! If all goes well he will be at my aunt's for our Fourth of July celebration!!! Please keep the prayers coming!!

Support is Overwhelming...

Wow...what a long last couple of days. Paul is doing a little better, well pain wise. The doctors took him off his IV pain meds today and replaced them with patches and oral medications. This hopefully will work for him so he can go home and be comfortable. I did finally get up the strength to go see him Sunday. He definitely is not himself, but I will take every single moment I and the rest of the family can have with him. I also went up and saw him tonight. We watched the show Wipeout. Whoever would go on that show for sure is not in their right mind. But it was nice to hear Paul laugh.
Now onto the support. It is unreal how much support I have been shown from so many people that don't even know my uncle or any of the rest of my family. It is hearwarming, really it is. I finally can talk about it without breaking down. It is hard, but when people ask me, I feel their concern for our family and want to share with them. My coworkers have been unbelievably understanding and supportive. The administrator stopped me today and work to ask me on an update and how I was dealing. THAT means a lot to me. Not a day has gone by that someone hasn't asked me about Paul or even just how I am doing. I am so so so thankful for the good people in this world. It is unfortunate you only see some peoples' true colors in situations like this. It doesn't matter I guess, I am comforted knowing people are praying for Paul and our family, and they don't even have to say anything to us.
This fourth of July will mean more to me than ever before. I am trying to keep a positive head, but I am also keeping in my mind that each and every day is more important than the last because of the unknown. I know very well that Paul may not be here for the next holiday, but I also know miracles happen every day. A friend asked a very interesting question, "What is worse, getting a phone call saying your loved one is gone, or watching your loved one suffer knowing what is coming?" I do not know the answer to that. My answer is, I don't think anyone can ever be prepared for this part of life. Neither situation could be easy. Illness and death just are NOT easy period. All I do know is, I, as well as the rest of my family, will be taking one day at a time, and thanking God for each day he gives us all together. Many people have told me in the last week to spend as much time with Paul and the rest of my family as possible. Make every minute count, and that is exactly what I plan to do. Life really is too short to take things for granted and my eyes are opened to that each and every day, more now than ever before.
This post has kind of been all over, but once again I just need to write somewhere. Paul has a caringbridge site. www.caringbridge.org/visit/paulallen If you get a chance go ahead and read his journal updates, and all I ask is that you send a prayer up for him and our family. No sympathy please, just prayers, that is all I ask. God has a plan, and very very unpredicatable ways of playing that plan out, but I trust in Him knowing He is doing the right thing, even though it really does hurt. That is all I have for tonight. I don't have so much on my chest now that I am able to talk to others about it. I am sure I will write again soon.