I Need A Place To Vent...

I have not kept up with this blog. I very rarely have anything to write about, and it seems the things are do have to write about, I doubt are of interest to anyone. I am not writing this post for anyone in particular. I am writing to get emotions out. It seems to be the easiest way I can think of right now.

My uncle Paul was diagnosed with lung cancer a year and a half ago. He underwent treatments and was considered to be in remission. Oh what a happy time for our family! It lasted for a few months and the malignant demon was back. This time in his brain. He had a tumor on his left frontal lobe, which the doctors were confident they could remove entirely. He went into surgery, they removed the WHOLE tumor, and he underwent a precautionary radiation treatment. All was good, our family's prayers for a miracle had been answered. Until now...

Paul was having horrible headaches, which to him, was a sign. He went to the doctor and they began the testing process all over again. This time, the cancer is back. The doctors believe it is a new more aggresive form of cancer. Different areas of his brain are affected along with his spinal and brain fluids. The wonderful doctors that have been by Paul's side all this way have informed our family that the cancer more than likely will NOT be cured this time. As of now, the treatments he will undergo will be to prevent the cancer from spreading and for pain management. Unfortunately he will remain and inpatient at Sanford for the next few weeks as of now.

My heart HURTS!!! I am ANGRY!!!! I am SCARED!!! Those are pretty much the only words I have to sum up my feelings. I have melt downs and random times, I think of him constantly. I think of how life is so unfair sometimes and I want to turn back time to when our whole family was happy and healthy. Sometimes I want to go outside and scream as loud as I can, other times I just cry, and sometimes I will call friends and talk about it, but most of the time I don't konw what to say, I just sit on the phone and cry. Knowing there is someone on the other end is comforting, sounds weird but it is the truth. All of my friends and coworkers have been so supportive, even though I feel like a burdon when I call on them.

I have not gone and seen him yet. I don't know what to say. I don't want to be a blubbering mess while I am there, wich I am scared is what is going to happen. I did call and talk to my aunt tonight, which was harder than I thought. I know I need to go see him while he is still semi-himself. (the tumors affect him--he suffers from more confusion, and just acts differently). They have him in a unit that you must wash your hands before going in. He can only have two visitors at a time, but there is a waiting room right by his room to wait our turn. Also he can have no visitors under the age of 12, keep in mind he has four granddaughters that are all under the age of 6!!

I don't know what else to say, I am at a loss of words. I don't want sympathy, I just need to get my feelings out. So, if anyone reads my blog anymore, please say an extra prayer for my uncle Paul... who is a Son, Father, Brother, Uncle, Cousin, Friend, Teacher, Leader, and Soldier. Who means so much to so many people!!!!